My confession (don't judge me)

It's funny what the Lord does when others are praying for you.  In the last post, I asked for prayer for our family, for boldness and courage to follow the Lord in his leading.  I had one specific issue in mind that I was not sharing with the public.  The Lord indeed gave us boldness and courage, but he did not lead us down the path that I was mentally referring to when I asked for these things.  

"Many are the plans in the mind of a man,
    but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand."  - Provers 19:21

As many of you know, Jeff is a Church Planting Apprentice, which means he will hopefully be starting a new church body in our city.  We hope to have a women's ministry in that new church, as well as a children's ministry and of course I, being a mother and a woman, would love to serve in these ministries at our future church, and help my husband's ministry in this way.  However, the thought of it on top of being a stay-at-home mom, involved in small groups at church, being involved in MOPS, and being a nursing student is overwhelming to me.  I have never really been much a part of either type of ministry aside from helping out occasionally, and don't know the first thing about leading these types of teams.

Jeff and I began a conversation last night concerning these future church plant things, during which I became emotional and immediately bogged down in details and scheduling (that's just how my brain works, I am not a big picture type of person - I need to know when, how, who, and what am I gonna do with the kids?).  That conversation led to another about homeschooling, which I had already written off, for no particular reason other than a) I don't know how to do it and b) I am intimidated by it.  There's a lot of benefits to homeschooling though, but I am in nursing school so I won't have time to, and once I'm an RN I surely won't have time for it.  But I'll be making enough money to send my kids to a private school.  

I began to evaluate what I'm doing here.  As far as ministry, I really want to help but I have other things already going on. How am I supposed to do all these other things, too?  Maybe God will send a woman to join the church plant that is passionate and skilled at these ministries - problem solved, oh me of little faith.  As far as school, I have a wonderful, supportive family who keep my kids happy and safe while I study and attend class; we have enough money saved that we are not going into debt to pay for school; the material comes very easily to me, I make great grades and I really enjoy the subject content.  Once I graduate, I'll be making great money, have a flexible schedule, have a meaningful job, and finally be able to afford Christian school, a bigger house and cars that don't leak and creak.  All the stars align for me to do this now, and the future payoff will be totally worth it. 

But just because it is totally doable doesn't mean it should be done.  I started to look at the reasons why I was pursuing nursing school: money, recognition for being a hard worker and smart, the satisfaction of "doing it".  These things in and of themselves are not particularly bad, but they are bad for me.  I am drawing life from these things.  They make me feel worthy and important, like I am really doing something with my life.  What would my alternative be if I didn't do nursing school?  A thankless job of raising kids and making a home for my weary husband?  Staying home with my kids all day to play with and teach them?  Meeting my husband for lunch occasionally, or taking a vacation whenever we want?  Having a cleaner, more organized home that's always ready for visitors?  Nourishing my relationship with the Lord during nap time instead of scrambling to get chores done so I can do my school work?  Selflessly serving my family with no regard for tests or assignment due dates?  Being more available to learn from godly women how to serve the women and children in our church?  Reading for fun instead of grades?

Once I evaluated all of this I thought: this is crazy.  God is providing for me the things that bring true life, yet I am voluntarily bearing a burden and striving for things I don't need.  I heard the Lord's still small voice: 

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:19

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. - Matthew 6:33

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith 
- Hebrews 12:1-2

I am chasing worldly recognition and financial security by the work of my own hands (and I have a degree so technically I could go to work if ever I needed to without being an RN).  I have been on a hamster wheel of sinful self-reliance and seeking after the ooh's and ahh's from others (and let's be real, no one really gives two whoops what I'm doing!  How prideful and arrogant of me.)

The funny thing is as soon as this recognition comes, it is gone and I am striving after something else.  Yet I already have all the approval and adoration I could ever need because it comes from my heavenly Father in Jesus Christ.  I have the divine "Yes!", there is no other approval needed.  Seeking any other is sinful and self-exalting.  Jesus is calling me to step out of the boat of the security and values of the world, and onto the waves of faith and service where He is waiting; oh Lord, help my unbelief.  

So friends, thank you for the prayers, God has used them effectively and surely.   I won't serve patients on their death beds, but I will diligently teach my children and others about the One who overcame death for them.  I won't seek admiration from others for my work ethic, but long to hear acclaim from my Lord: "Well done, good and faithful servant."  In a moment of clarity, I surely have found my calling.  

From the Valley of Vision:

Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly,
Thou has brought me to the valley of vision,
where I live in the depths but see thee in the heights;
hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold
Thy glory.

Let me learn by paradox
that the way down is the way up,
that to be low is to be high,
that the broken heart is the healed heart,
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to possess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision."

Full Term baby!! (PS I am not a theologian).

We made it!  Thirty seven weeks pregnant - I have to admit there was a time when we doubted if we'd get this far.  I am so relieved and can't wait to meet our healthy, chunky termie!  FYI: termie is what parents of preemies/people-in-the-know call full-term babies. ;)

I wanted to share that info. but I also wanted to share something of a more spiritual significance and I hope someone can benefit from it as I did.

To begin, I read my Bible using Professor Horner's Bible Reading System.  If you click on the name it will take you to a pdf that explains it - I highly recommend it for many reasons, one being that you cover 10 chapters a day, some are in the Old Testament and some in the New.  Some days, like today, the chapters overlap and a theme emerges that makes me think, "Hmm, guess that is an important concept to God."

I began in Numbers 11.  The Israelites are complaining about the "good ol' days" back in Egypt where although they were slaves, they had all the food they wanted, but now all they had to eat was manna (but they were free).  So God tells Moses that the people will have enough quail to feed them for days; they'll have so much they'll be sick of it.  And Moses replies, "God, we have over 600,000 soldiers with us!  Even if we kill every animal we own and catch every fish in the sea it won't be enough."  Of course, he forgets he is talking to the CREATOR of the UNIVERSE.  But instead of belittling Moses, God just says, "Is there any limit to my power?"

Lesson: God doesn't like when we complain so don't do it, and don't doubt God's resources.

After that chapter, following the reading system, I go to 2 Corinthians 6 where Paul describes all the hardships he has endured.  Throughout all the beatings, starving, freezing, sleepless nights and heartache, he still recognizes that there is great hope in Jesus.  He doesn't look at his relationship with God in terms of all the bad things that have happened to him - he views it despite them.  He still talks about his "purity, understanding, patience, kindness, love and power of the Holy Spirit."  He has every right to be sick and tired of it all, but he clings to these fruits of the Spirit and finds peace and relief in them.

Lesson:  I haven't been through anything as bad as Paul describes, yet when life stresses me out, I neglect to see the great gifts God has given me in my life.  Not material things, but the intangible eternal things, like the ones Paul mentions.  Circumstances shouldn't dictate my attitude - Jesus should.

So all this is starting to click in my head now.  Next in the system is 1 Peter 5.  In verses 6-7 Peter says, "So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and in his good time he will honor you.  Give all your worries to God, for he cares about what happens to you."  Later in verses 10-11 he says, "In his kindness, God called you to his eternal glory by means of Jesus Christ.  After you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.  All power is his forever and ever.  Amen." (emphasis mine)

Lesson:  I am going to suffer, but that doesn't mean God doesn't care about what happens to me.  He is kind, and he promises to provide for me from his unlimited resources.

To top it all off, I then read Psalm 121: 

¹ I look up to the mountains—
does my help come from there?
² My help comes from the LORD,
who made heaven and earth!

³ He will not let you stumble;
the one who watches over you will not slumber.
⁴ Indeed, he who watches over Israel
never slumbers or sleeps.

⁵ The LORD himself watches over you!
The LORD stands beside you as your protective shade.
⁶ The sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon at night.

⁷ The LORD keeps you from all harm
and watches over your life.
⁸ The LORD keeps watch over you as you come and go,
both now and forever.

This is what put me over the top and I thought, "I have to write this down!"  So I decided to share publicly in case there was someone else out there who God is trying to reach with his message of perseverance under trails.  We can keep going and we can even be HAPPY (?!) when we face trials because God LOVES us and he is keenly aware of all we are going through!

As my due date approaches, I have found myself becoming more and more anxious.  Since the baby is still breech, the doctors did not remove my cerclage.  Since they didn't remove it, I need to report to the hospital immediately once I start having contractions so they can remove it and I can dilate without injuring myself (assuming the baby has flipped head-down).  However, if the baby is still breech chances are they will administer an emergency c-section and remove the stitch at that time.  I have been having Braxton Hicks contractions lately that are much stronger than before, so I am constantly wondering, "OK, is this it?  Should I be getting ready to go?"  I am trying to mentally prepare myself for the hard work of labor, but I may have a c-section and not need to worry about pushing and breathing through contractions.

BUT, in light of everything I just shared with you, I am wasting my time with these thoughts.  I even wasted my time and yours by writing that last paragraph because the God of the universe, who has the power to raise people from the dead, is creating this baby inside of me and he will bring him into the world just the way he wants.  God cares about me, and the baby.  He wants me to be at peace and to trust him.  He has given me a full-term pregnancy and I have not had one single issue during the last 37 weeks, praise God for that! 

To sum it all up (I am speaking to myself here, but you probably need to hear this too):  STOP COMPLAINING!  The Lord is trying to do work in your life, and it will be an awesome work because he is infinitely more wise than us and he loves us!  Stop longing for the "easier times", and stop looking at the negatives.  Remember all the good that there still is; dwell on the blessings you have despite the tough circumstances you are in.  Then, as Peter said, "After you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation. All power is his forever and ever. Amen"

³³ Seek the Kingdom of God above all else,

and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

³⁴ “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries.

Today’s trouble is enough for today."

-Matthew 6:33-34